LOVE ISN’T FOR BROKE GUYS

You see, nothing speaks louder than nature does. In this city nature has spoken and loudly for that matter, that love is not for the broke guys here. Even if you feel like you really love some daughter of Eve and after confirming your bank balance, Mpesa balance and mattress account balance, you find nothing to write home about, please put your ambitions on hold and take some time to look for money first – after which everything you wish will be possible.

It’s not that our girls are bad or money-minded or whatever but that is just the way it is! That’s just the system. It started way back in the Garden of Eden. When Adam had nothing to offer his brand new babe, Eve, the latter was offered something: a simple fruit by a snake. A snake? And you are there crying oh a sponsor has snatched your girl – you should even be grateful she has entertained a fellow human. It could have been an inkalimeva that chips-fungad her.

If you think this stuff is not part of our punishment as men, see, you will spend your 200 Masaa ya SMS subscription chatting your girl the entire day making sure she is okay and then she will receive only one Mpesa SMS from her sponsor and that will be the game changer – that will determine who gets to 'kamatia chini' that night. Meanwhile, you will wait for your whatsapp ticks on your chat to turn blue that evening until the cows come back home – they will turn blue on day three: don’t worry, nature is teaching you patience and you are not alone – even Arsenal fans are still waiting for a trophy  and our primary school kids are still waiting for laptops.

Nature is speaking to us Nairobi men; to look for money more than we look for girls and the rest will be added unto us. Look, sometime back Uhuru Park used to be just a garden like any other. Young lovers flocked the place and spent the best of their time just staring into each other’s eyes and weaving up poignant memories that would torment them many nights to come. Today, Uhuru Park is full of kiosks and hawkers selling snacks and drinks. Nature is trying to say even hang out places are no longer free, somehow you must spend.

That day you buy flowers and don’t reason why you are spending on things that will wither before noon, that day you will call a cab to take someone’s daughter home and call another for yourself, that time you will order without looking at the menu while interceding that it should turn out she is vegetarian, that time you will comfortably pay for some Brazillian horse’s hair to cover your girl’s own hair and don’t complain because she isn’t either, that time you will call her and she comes with a crusade in the name of friends and you only smile and say to your heart, ‘peace be still’, that time you will be at a club and when the bill comes around the figure looks like an Mpesa paybill number but still you can swipe your card and say, ‘we only live once’, son, that day know that you are already living in the promised land – you are free to love. 

If this time hasn’t reached and is still elusive like mirage, verily, verily I say unto you, please when you see girls, behave! Kindly pocket and walk away whistling Daddy Owen’s song, ‘Yote ni vanity….‘

Alenga Torosterdt.